For almost a year now, and for some reason, my life has not been the same as it used to be. I was the active, hard worker, loving, cheerful, optimistic woman. Gradually, I found myself taking a path I never thought I would ever take. I started meeting therapists and using antidepressants. I felt like my whole life is collapsing.
I did all what I can do to retrieve my life, yet I felt something lacking. Naturally, I am a restless person; I needed to always be doing something, writing, working, taking care of Leena or reading whatever I find to read. I tried to just sit quietly, watch television, but I couldn’t. My brain won’t stop. Those quiet moments gave me a feeling of complete emptiness, in which not a single bit of love existed. In times I thought I’m going mad.
What is it that I’m missing? Love? But love doesn’t bring happiness. It brings anxiety and sleepless nights. Peace? Nothing is ever at peace. The winter fights with the summer, the sun and the moon never meet. Money? Everyone who earns enough money starts to fear losing it. Poverty might bring unhappiness, but money won’t essentially bring happiness.
After almost a year of searching, I see that being restless was a way of avoiding those moments when nothing is happening, those pauses where all what I should do is relax and reflect. I have always taken a path of struggle, tears, and self-control. Lately, I realized I was going about in the wrong way. My dream does not require that of me. I just needed to surrender myself to it, and if I find I’m suffering, I relax, because the suffering will pass anyways. Now those empty spaces are being transformed into pauses, an encounter with me, myself and my higher power.
Now, I accept my life as it is, a constant process of destroying and rebuilding myself. Everything in my life has followed the same pattern: from lost to found; from divorce to new love; from working as an architect to being a women’s rights activist. Only one thing remained and will remain unchanged – my daughter.
From now on I’m independent; I see life through my own eyes not through other people’s. I’m not going to look for happiness anymore. I’m going in search of the adventure of being alive. I will live as intensely as possible. And I will love. And whatever happens would be equally gratifying. Knowing that I am capable of love is enough.
“Love fills everything. It cannot be desired because it is an end in itself. It cannot betray because it has nothing to do with possession. It cannot be held prisoner because it is a river and will overflow its banks. Anyone who tries to imprison love will cut off the spring that feeds it, and the trapped water will grow stagnant and rank.” Paolo Coelho
Now I realize that I should not be frightened when the powers of darkness appear, because now, I know that I’m here, and that everything is a miracle, life in itself is a miracle, a revelation that should be enjoyed with all what it offers.